10 things toddlers can sense at ten paces with their eyes closed

Toddlers, I think we can all agree, are basically psychic.

The Child seems to be able to hear me think the thought "I'm going into the kitchen to eat the sh*t out of some biscuits" practically before I've even articulated the desire to myself. And then BAM, like clockwork, he's right there, in the kitchen before I can even get near the biscuits without his knowing. Damn, he's good. 10 things toddlers can sense at ten paces with their eyes closed: 1. An unattended mug of coffee/glass of wine near white fabric I know, I know. *Shakes head ruefully* Why would I even ATTEMPT to own white fabric with a toddler around. 2. A relaxing parent Sitting down and putting your feet up is essentially begging the parental universe to f*ck with you – the second you do it, is the exact moment the toddler will pick to stand outside the door shouting "MUMA" forever. 3. A newly opened packet of biscuits No matter how quietly you attempt to eat them, you WILL be discovered. 4. An unopened packet of crisps lying in a drawer two houses away How can he even know that they are there? He knows. And he will not rest until he has them. 5. An early start It's like they have a direct psychological link to our alarm setting. As soon as you have organised a pre-7 am wake up call they will make sure to rouse you every hour through the night to ensure you don't miss the meeting. So considerate. 6. An unattended laptop/iPad/phone resting near a precipice Yes, I know, I brought that one on myself. 7. A lost earring that strayed under the couch over six months ago Oh, they WILL seek it out, and they WILL eat it. 8. Parental Lateness At those first signs of agitation during Hell-Morning, The Child just KNOWS that this morning is the perfect morning to put Weetabix down his pants just moments before exiting the house. Oh, he's good. 9. Parental Sexy Times I do NOT want to know how (just HOW?) he always seems to know when The Man is doing some of his awesome sexperimental techniques (his words not mine) – they do not remotely resemble foreplay, I might add. Perhaps he picks up on that unnerving look in The Man's eye. Either way, he can always be sure to provide a LOUD reminder to use contraception. 10. If you've had a hard day Oh, the running hugs are the absolute best.